In the middle of a Zoom call that my wife and I recently had with some friends, I had a genuine aha moment, one that reminded me of an important lesson I had learned years ago. Knowing that my wife is an avid reader, my friends asked her what she was currently reading. She explained that she has just finished an excellent book entitled, The Housekeeper and the Professor, written by Yoko Ogawa. Our friends were curious to hear more, and so they asked her lots of follow up questions. The more questions they asked, the more details she shared. And that is when I had my aha moment.
After we ended our call, I shared my insight with my wife. I explained that I had, of course, noticed her reading the book about which she had just been talking. Until the Zoom call with our friends, though, I hadn’t known anything about the book, nor anything about how much she loved the book. The reason I didn’t know any of this was apparent. I had never asked. I had never asked her about the book itself nor about her reaction to it. Insert facepalm here.
I don’t think I am alone in what I experienced. I’m guessing that most of us have had a similar experience of learning something new about someone close to us by listening to them speak with others.
Just before the pandemic hit, Kate Murphy’s new book entitled You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters was released. In it, she introduces the term closeness-communication bias, which the book explores. Here’s what she said about her preparation for writing the book:
“During my two years researching my book on listening, I learned something incredibly ironic about interpersonal communication: The closer we feel toward someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them”
As Murphy explains, it is easy for us to become complacent when it comes to listening to our family and friends. We may feel that we already know each other so well that there isn’t anything really new to learn about each other. On the other hand, when we interact with people we don’t know well, we will find ourselves being much more curious and attentive to what they have to say.
For most of us, the pandemic is shrinking our social network, and so we may find ourselves interacting with the same people from one day to the next. Rather than seeing this as a limitation, perhaps we could reframe it as an opportunity to get to know these people better.
I hope my aha moment will inspire you, as it did me, to take some initiative to be more curious and to listen more attentively to the people with whom you are spending so much time.
Article by The Rev. Dr. D. Scott Stoner, Living Compass
