The Rev’d Virginia Holleman
The Collect for the Fifth Sunday After the Epiphany
Year B, Epiphany 5
St. Thomas the Apostle
February 7, 2021
Isaiah 40: 21 – 31
Psalm 147: 1 – 12, 21c
1 Corinthians 9: 16 – 23
Mark 1: 29 – 39
In the Name of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. AMEN.
From our Collect for this morning: “Set us free, O God, from the bondage of our sins, and give us the liberty of that abundant life which you have made know to us in your Son our Savior Jesus Christ . . .”
Suicide is a double tragedy. Not only is the person who takes his or her life consumed by their own sense of worthlessness, hopelessness and sinfulness, but the friends and loved ones left behind are consumed by what I call the “if-only’s” – if only I had realized how hopeless he was feeling, if only I had reached out one more time, if only I had understood just how fragile she was. If only, if only, if only. And it leaves those friends and loved ones feeling pretty worthless and sinful themselves.
The “if-only’s” can just about drive you crazy – I know, because they did my family after my first husband took his life. John was going thru a rough time in his law practice and was convinced that the only way to protect his family was a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem. None of us suspected he was even thinking of this; in retrospect there were signs all over the place but we missed them all. And I don’t think he had a clue that he was transferring his sense of worthlessness and sinfulness from himself to his family and friends; we were consumed by guilt and the “if-only’s.” We did get a lot of emotional support from virtually everyone we knew but I couldn’t forgive myself for what I perceived as my having let my husband down. I was indeed in bondage to my sins.
Segue several years later when I went on a Cursillo weekend while I was in the early stages of the ordination process here in Dallas. One of the things that the spiritual leaders encouraged participants to do was make a Confession. Now, I’m a “Cradle Episcopalian” – I did not grow up going to Confession and the whole idea of making a Confession to another human being, even a priest, struck me as being a bit of an invasion of my privacy! My thought was my sins are between me and God and not anyone else’s business! But we were encouraged to bring those things that were deeply troubling us to God and place them at God’s feet – and leave them there. So very nervously and with a great deal of trepidation I made an appointment –
I had one sin that I felt I needed to lay at God’s feet once and for all, one sin that kept me in bondage, and that was the part I felt I had played in my husband’s decision to take his life. I knew I wasn’t directly responsible for John’s decision but I also felt I had done very little to give him hope to hang on. So very tearfully I told Fr. Josh my story. He listened, passed me Kleenex after Kleenex and then asked: “Have you confessed this sin to God?” Of course I had, many many times. “Do you think God has forgiven you?” he asked. Well yes, Jesus pretty much assures us that God forgives us. “Well then,” Fr. Josh, continued, “if God can forgive you why can’t you forgive yourself?” Why can’t I forgive myself? I was struck dumb by his question.
Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves especially for those things we’ve done that have hurt another person, even if our hurting was totally unintentional? I hurt you, I apologize, you offer forgiveness. It’s not that I don’t believe that you have forgiven me but I can’t let it go. Why is that?
Several years ago I preached to you here at St. Thomas from this Collect for the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany. I love this Collect because I think it speaks so poignantly to our human condition and frankly to the hope that the Incarnation and the Season of Epiphany bring us. The illustration I used then was from a wonderful novel by Margaret George, Mary Called Magdalene, a fictionalized biography of one of Jesus’ first disciples. The first part of the book tells how Mary acquired the seven evil spirits Jesus eventually cures her of. She meets Jesus when she has given up hope, when she knows that she will never be rid of these demons who have made her life a living hell; the only option she has is to return to the desert to die. But her friends Simon and Andrew have a different plan and introduce her to Jesus, a young rabbi they have met.
“What torments you?” Jesus asks. Then he says, “I can see that you are exhausted, so I will only ask you: do you want to be made well?” “Yes” Mary whispers, and Jesus places his hands on her head and drives out the seven demons one by one who have tortured and tormented Mary Magdalene for years (pg.194-195).
Jesus himself then goes into the desert wilderness to wrestle with Satan, and again he prevails against the forces of evil and darkness. Now he has returned, and he explains to his newly called disciples what has happened to him in the desert:
“Satan will always come to you. All you have to do is wait. So I went far out into the desert, and I waited. And he came to me, pressing at my weakest points . . . Satan knows all your fears and weaknesses. Beware of him. And most important: Satan may retire from the field of combat, but he always returns. He will return to me, as he will to you. But we must recognize him. He is the accuser, the tester. He brings up past sins that have been forgiven. It is not God who torments you with the memory of past sins, it is Satan” (pg. 227). It is not God who torments you with the memory of past sins, it is Satan.
In other words, my fellow Doubters, it is Satan, that Darkness in each of us, who keeps us in bondage to our sins, it isn’t God. It isn’t God who continually reminds us of our past misdeeds; it isn’t God who keeps us awake at night, reminding us again and again there is nothing we can do to erase.the stain of our sin; it isn’t God who continually reminds us, you are not worthy to kneel at the foot of his throne. No, it isn’t God who does this, it is Satan. Because of these efforts, I remain far too aware of my limitations, far too aware of the difference between what I do and what I could do, of what I am and what it is God has created me to be. God, on the other hand, God sees the perfection he created in me, and God wants me to live an abundant life, free from the shackles of my sinfulness and my perceived limitations – just like God wants for each and every one of us. And I can say this with confidence – because of the gift of new life God gives us when he sent Jesus to not only tell us this but to also show us how to live a life secure in the knowledge of God’s love and mercy and compassion and yes, forgiveness – how to live a life that is abundant.
I think the hardest part to accept of this God-given gift is the forgiveness. It certainly has been for me. And I remember when I came face to face with the fact that I am fully aware in my head that God forgives me of those things I have done that I ought not to have done and he also forgives me of those things I haven’t done that I should have – I was aware of this but my heart remained in bondage to my sin. I know God forgives me, forgives all of us – and yet the things we’ve done or not done – often these are things we can’t forgive ourselves in our hearts. The Lord of our Darkness does a fine job of tormenting us with the memory of our past sins, keeping us in bondage to those sins, preventing us from living our lives abundantly.
There’s a sign in the front yard of a house on Mockingbird not too far from St. Thomas – it reads, “Your mistakes do not define you.” And for far too long I allowed my Big Mistake to define exactly who I was.
I can honestly tell you that release from that guilt, from that Big Mistake, from the bondage of my sin didn’t happen overnight. It took time and a lot of forgiving myself for not recognizing the pain my husband was in, for not being there for him. But in time I no longer identified as a woman who lost her husband to suicide. And I realized I was a survivor and there was indeed a rich abundant life set before me. Sure, I do still have an if-only sometimes but it’s along the lines of, If only John had shared his pain with us – but he didn’t. We no longer blame ourselves.
God does give us the gift of new life, one steeped in his forgiveness and love, but we need to accept that gift. We need to answer “yes” to God’s help and live our lives accordingly, we need to live our lives truly forgiven. It isn’t always easy but with the help of the Spirit of God so present in this community of St. Thomas, I believe we can indeed live our lives abundantly.
Let us pray: “Set us free, O God, from the bondage of our sins, and give us the liberty of that abundant life which you have made know to us in your Son our Savior Jesus Christ . . .”
AMEN.
George, Margaret, Mary Called Magdalene. New York: Penguin Putnam, Inc., 2002.
