All of the world’s major religions have some version of the teaching, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That teaching is certainly at the core of my own spirituality, and I strive (but often fall short) to live out this ideal every day. I imagine the same is true for many of the readers of this column.
Some time ago, as I was reflecting on this teaching about loving your neighbor as yourself, it occurred to me that, in fact, this is precisely what most of us do. We actually do love them as we love ourselves.
Last week I wrote about self-compassion and how our well-being is enhanced when we can tame our inner critic, and then truly feel love and acceptance toward ourselves. A common reaction I get when I write or talk about self-compassion and self-care is questioning whether what I’m talking about is encouraging someone to become more self-centered.
My first response to such a question is merely to state the fact that “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” If there is nothing in our emotional and spiritual cups, we then have nothing to give to others. If we spend much time around people whose cups are chronically empty, we will discover that not only do they not have much to offer, but usually, they will zap our energy as well, and before long, we will be empty too. Self-care keeps our cups full so that we then have something to share with others.
The second response I have to the question about whether self-care is selfish is to make the point that there is a strong correlation between the way we care for ourselves and the way we care for others. This is what I mean when I say we tend to love and relate to others in a manner similar to the way we love and relate to ourselves.
If you are a perfectionist, for example, and tend to be very hard on yourself, you likely relate to others in your life the same way. On the other hand, if you practice self-compassion toward yourself, especially when you make mistakes or fall short of an ideal you have for yourself, it is likely that you offer compassion to others when they inevitably make mistakes.
Do you see a connection with how patient you are with yourself and how patient you are with others? Do you see a link between how comfortable you are with your own vulnerability and how you respond to others when they are vulnerable?
Today is Valentine’s Day, and I invite us to expand the focus of this day to honor and reflect on how we love ourselves and all the “neighbors” in our lives—friends, family members, spouses, partners, colleagues, even strangers. As you celebrate this day, take a moment to reflect on whether you see a connection between how you love yourself, and how you love your neighbor.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
Article by The Rev. Dr. D. Scott Stoner, Living Compass
